Someone pitched Seagal on a train. Someone bought it.

I want to thank the very cool people over at Draplin Design Co. for making me aware of an online archive of every movie poster, ever.

As promised, they ruined my week.  My favourite thing about the archive is that I can now save valuable time the next time I want to post something ridiculous/awesome like this:

Really, thanks guys.  Now I want to watch Krull.  I have, however, had to satisfy myself with Under Siege 2 instead.  Did you know Katherine Heigl was in it?

Me neither.  Otherwise, it’s just as awful as I remember.  I mean, the movie features an implausible earthquake-causing satellite doomsday weapon, Steven Seagal, an annoying token sidekick, grimacing military types gone bad, and a fifteen year old Katherine Heigl.  And the fifteen year old me still passed.  I probably should have known, really. 

Though it does feature the best line I’ve heard in a while.  

“The only thing I’ve got in my pocket is your ass!”  

Really.  It’s even better without context.  Best one-liner, possibly ever.

It just makes me realise that the movies I respect the most are the ones with staying power.  Obviously we all admire the movies that attain classic status, for the most part, but I also have to confess admiration for the bad movies that become even worse over time.  I’m happier watching Under Siege 2 than American Beauty, for example.  I’m awful, I know.

Give me a movie where Steven Seagal can dispatch nameless terrorists with ease but struggles to connect with his teenage daughter as an evil genius makes inappropriate jokes while killing thousands of (foreign) people and the government scrambles hugely impractical stealth bombers to destroy a train any day.  Michael Bay can suck it.