Michael Jackson has really stuck with this hunger strike. I admire that sort of tenacity.

I’ll never quite understand how a mandate equates to moral high ground in American politics. Or why we need to squander both so predictably.
(followed immediately by)
I know. I shouldn’t talk about American Idol here. It’s very divisive in what should be a time of healing.

“What’s green and has wheels?” he asked. “Grass. I made up the part about the wheels.” I know we’re probably related but I hate that kid.

I am now invited to a dog wedding. I don’t have the words to make that stupider than it already sounds. They’re registered at Whiskers.

A favorite:

You know that Andy Dick and how he seemed funny until we noticed that he wasn’t? You’ll tell me when it’s time to stop, right?