the cultural apocalypse |

What the frak?

By john | June 10, 2010

I am catching up with Battlestar Galactica. I never watched the reboot for a simple reason. I’m no sexist, but Katee Sackhoff is no Dirk Benedict. Just. Saying.

Class: It's permanent.

Don’t get me started on Boomer.

Thing is, the Internet and everyone I know who likes science fiction was right. The show is really good. There is a worrying habit early in the first season of dropping a bunch of plot points that I’m not convinced will ever pay off, but generally Battlestar Galactica sticks to the basics. Kill bad guys.

At least so far…. I hear things get rough later on. Sometimes I feel like Lost has ruined TV (or at least, genre TV) for a generation. The Sarah Connor Chronicles suffered from a desperate need to be deep in some way. In some high school student infatuation with bad poetry and overwrought rock music lyrics way. This need led to placing Lena Headey’s reading of a section of Alice in Wonderland set over a battle between John Connor and a terminator. It led to dream sequences that didn’t make a lot of sense, and worse, were boring.

Chronicles DID have an awesome series of promo posters.

The show got good towards the end but it was too late then, really. If anything, Chronicles kept its powder dry for too long. Or maybe they didn’t come up with anything good until it was too late.

Battlestar Galactica has these problems. Off the top of my head, the whole Baltar hallucination stuff is a bit much, and more concerning, it’s probably going to lead to some weird attempt at a payoff that will either be awesome or just drive me nuts. The daddy issues have been boring from day one. I really just want to see robots get shot. So hopefully that will keep up.

Not to mention the hilarious sci-fi nerdness that permeates the show. My favourite is easily the use of “frak” as this fictional universe’s version of the English speaking world’s most popular naughty word. What the frak? Frak you! Frak me! And so on.

I’m in for the long haul now, and will inevitably write a blog post about how much I hate the finale after I finally see it. I don’t know how I’ve managed not to have that spoiled but I have. I’m on a hiding to nothing aren’t I?

Posted in Signs of life in the cultural wasteland | 3 Comments

Equilibrium

By john | June 7, 2010

Over the weekend I watched a flawed action movie featuring the following characteristics: gun kata, pre-Batman post-American Psycho Christian Bale, mawkish sentimentality, grisly murder of multiple fascist policemen in motorcycle helmets, mass drug use, blatant cribbing of Orwell’s 1984, that guy from Ally McBeal who walked around in his underwear a lot, and Sean Bean.

I am talking, of course, about Equilibrium!

I'm well hard, I am.

I like this movie. I do. There is so much wrong with it. The “borrowing” from 1984 is a bit too blatant. Sean Pertwee is slightly miscast as the big daddy bad guy when he would have done a much better job with the insidious little daddy bad guy that gets all the lines. Taye Diggs (he of the skinny lawyer and the underwear) really struggles with a role that couldn’t have been that hard. Emily Watson plays the most boring character ever. Half of the big twist is crap. And Sean Bean lasts about three minutes.

So... you don't like Yeats?

However… the other half of the big twist is awesome, as is the mayhem that follows. Taye Digg’s ridiculous grin makes me want to punch him, which is really quite a good reaction from the audience for an action movie that can’t figure out what it’s doing. Angus MacFadyen (I had to check the spelling twice) is really not bad at all as the insidious bad guy with all the lines. And, as silly as it gets, it is nice to watch an action movie that at least tries to have a story or even moral compass other than kill all pinko lefty communists.

It's ok John Matrix, I still love you.

Also, GUN KATA!!!!

Gun Kata is simultaneously ridiculously goofy and very awesome, because while you are laughing at Christian Bale he WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE.

I will say though, one moment was truly culturally apocalyptic, a true nadir of crapness, unquestionable evidence that somebody needed to get into that script with a very vicious pen. Christian Bale’s character finds redemption in part through a very cute puppy.

Ok, the "do they eat them?" line is funny.

Now, it wouldn’t be that bad except for a couple of things. One, the movie starts with him shooting Sean Bean in the face. I know what you’re thinking, but his character is supposed to like Sean Bean. Then he has a series of incredibly boring conversations with a thoroughly bored looking Emily Watson. After all that, he encounters a pen of dogs, which the motorcycle helmet wearing fascists informed him they had to mow down women and children to reach and open. Bale (I’m too lazy to refer to him using the protagonist’s name, ok?) doesn’t bat an eyelid but gets all gooey when the puppy shows up.

I mean, come on. I know we all like puppies. You like puppies. If you don’t like puppies, you’re lying. We all like them.

See? We all like them.

But this movie needed a puppy? Really? Ugh.

Oh well. Other than all that, Equilibrium was as awesome this weekend as it was the first time I sat in a cinema and tried to ignore how much it stole ideas from 1984 and got a bit boring in the middle. GUN KATA!!!

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | 2 Comments

Of Blogs and Birthdays

By john | June 2, 2010

It’s my birthday!

Seems like as good a day as any to revive this dormant blog. Again.

Thing is, over the last few weeks, I keep getting ideas for blogs, but I dismiss it because I wanted the first one after the resurrection to be good. I needed a good curtain raiser. Realistically though, this thing would never have returned at all if I’d kept on like that. So, in the interest of paying my dues to bad blog practice, and the practice of blogs everywhere, I’m writing a post all about myself.

29 years ago today, I was born. I was awesome from day one. I mean, check out this guy:

Ready to Rock.

Since then, I have been reading a lot, and now I do it for a living, albeit a living that doesn’t earn any money. I just need to WRITE more. So I’ll be back again soon, writing again. And not about myself.

For now, here’s a little bit of cultural apocalypse.

(To be clear, I hate the Ting Tings but I’m down with Yo Gabba Gabba)

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | 1 Comment

Moustaches: The Silent Culture Killer

By john | March 23, 2010

SXSW happened last week. It was cool. I decided to instigate my new “whatever I’m doing is awesome and fun” policy, and everything I did was awesome. And fun.

I didn’t really see a lot of “hot”, “fresh” or otherwise oddly food-related adjective wielding music bands. Though I did see the Local Natives.

IMAGE

Despite coming from Los Angeles, this band is really good. My theory is that they don’t really come from LA, but they’re so out of touch they think people will think they’re amazing if they ARE from LA.

Much more concerning than that however, is the band’s shameless brandishing of a good old fashioned moustache. Perhaps even a moustache and a half. Now, let’s face it, hardened New York/Chicago based cops in the 1970s aside, moustaches are a terrible idea.

There are some exceptions beyond the hardened detective rule. I have actually met people who can rock a moustache. This gentleman from the Local Natives is successfully rocking a moustache. And, lest we forget, one of the more important acting careers of recent times is due completely to an impressive moustache.

Image

The problem is, you’re all playing with fire! Moustaches are just too dangerous. For every man out there wearing the look well, there are at least three people who are contributing to the downfall of humanity by either trying to make a crappy moustache work or (shudder) by wearing one “ironically.”

Image – Elf Hipster

It’s not worth it. It’s just not. Before we know it our civilization will be in tatters. Think of what we associate with moustaches: massive crime rates in 1970s New York, Hawaiian shirts, European imperialism. All of these things suck! Combined with hipster “irony”, we could be facing a cultural vacuum of total protonic reversal magnitude. The risk is just too great.

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SXSW happened last week. It was cool. I decided to instigate my new “whatever I’m doing is awesome and fun” policy, and everything I did was awesome. And fun.

I didn’t really see a lot of “hot”, “fresh” or otherwise oddly food-related adjective wielding music bands. Though I did see the Local Natives.

So, what's the guy second from the right looking at?

This man was the star of Quigley Down Under AND Mr. Baseball. Just think about that.

Elf Hipster

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | 4 Comments

SXSW = music + hipsters = apocalypse

By john | March 16, 2010

The hipsters are coming.

It’s the eve of SXSW. The real SXSW. Forget your movies. They attract hipsters, sure, but it’s just a prelude. Forget the interactive types. Sure, they have some hipster hangers-on, in one of the weirder developments in the continuing revenge of the nerds, but the actual SXSWi types know their stuff. It’s easier to ignore the hangers on because being pretentious about twitter use (or non-use) is just too ridiculous to take seriously.

But… SXSW music. That’s when the real infestation takes root. They’re here. You can feel it. Hiding. Sitting around in trousers of odd lengths listening to bad music and trying to make each other feel insecure. Possibly creating new pieces of clothing or fashion accessories by mutilating something expensive or building an outfit around a 1984 Olympics baseball cap they picked up in a thrift store. Or whatever the cool hipster term for a thrift store is. They’re here.

Tomorrow, they’ll be everywhere! Like the goths descending on Rome to pillage good taste, or pilgrims dutifully approaching Mecca, the streets will suddenly be full of people who don’t eat and live off family money so they can describe themselves as graphic designers. The true hipsters will plod from show to show grudgingly, completely exasperated that the music on offer is so poor, the parties so lame, declaring the entire festival a waste of time. It USED to be a big deal, you see.

The rest of us get to actually have fun, and develop a counting game based on hipster ridiculousness. I’m not really abreast of hipster couture at the moment but I’m looking forward to the 2010 version of bandanas vs. poorly executed jean-short cutoffs. The best part of all of this though, is seeing ridiculous people who think that they “get” it, and the rest of us don’t. Because guys, music is IMPORTANT. Just none of the music you like. Just the stuff that I like. It hasn’t really made it into the public eye yet, and I hope it never does. The future of music is erhu solos and rhythm sections composed of instruments we’ve made ourselves.

I love them, really. I really do. I can’t have bad feelings towards people who bring me so much joy. The hipsters are coming.

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | Leave a comment

Innerspace

By john | March 15, 2010

It’s always a little weird writing reviews on my personal blog, because I’m well aware of significantly more talented (link to Meredith) people out there who talk about exactly the kind of movies I like to watch. But here goes anyway.

Innerspace is a really, really cool movie. I don’t mean it’s cool because I like it, or because it’s clever or ironic. In fact, in many ways the movie is the antithesis of cool: Martin Short is a funny guy but he isn’t cool. Joe Dante is crazy talented and has a knack for horror comedies that get creepy fast, but he’s not “cool” either.

The movie does have Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, doing their whole “early phase of sure to be massive star” career thing, but they’re kept more or less under control. Meg Ryan is funny but she’s constantly (and understandably) being upstaged by Short. Dennis Quaid spends most of the movie in a pod. So, the movie really isn’t “cool” on any kind of marketing synergy kind of a level. Not that it bothers me. The problem was, way back when in the 1980s, when men were men and desktop computers were only as good as the three digits people used to describe them, Innerspace failed to deliver on the box office front.

So, Innerspace ends up being one of those weird genre comedies that never got anywhere despite being awesome. I mean, ridiculously awesome. It’s ostensibly a sci-fi/horror/comedy hybrid that in theory would be a bit nerd-centric, but a lot of people like the film. My dad introduced me to this movie. It’s difficult to find people who’ll watch the movie and refuse to like it. Even when it goes completely off the deep end, it’s still funny.

Bad guys with ludicrous characteristics, like a prosthetic hand with various evildoing attachments or a penchant for wearing cowboy hats? Check. Martin Short being completely ridiculous? Check. A weird, funnier version of the Total Recall disguise scene? Check.

I really like Innerspace because of what it does with all these different characteristics. It was made as a popular film but it’s got weird independent quirks that make it a much better film than it would have been otherwise. The film does things that films arguably shouldn’t do, and it’s a better piece of work as a result. The whole thing hangs together as something that somebody cared about, and worked to make an actual piece of work that stood on its own. Then it flopped in the box office. In a world where Transformers 2 made a fortune.

So, fight the good fight. Watch Innerspace. Just watch it.

It’s always a little weird writing reviews on my personal blog, because I’m well aware of significantly more talented people out there who talk about exactly the kind of movies I like to watch. But here goes anyway.

Innerspace is a really, really cool movie. I don’t mean it’s cool because I like it, or because it’s clever or ironic. In fact, in many ways the movie is the antithesis of cool: Martin Short is a funny guy but he isn’t cool. Joe Dante is crazy talented and has a knack for horror comedies that get creepy fast, but he’s not “cool” either.

The movie does have Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, doing their whole “early phase of sure to be massive star” career thing, but they’re kept more or less under control. Meg Ryan is funny but she’s constantly (and understandably) being upstaged by Short. Dennis Quaid spends most of the movie in a pod. So, the movie really isn’t “cool” on any kind of marketing synergy kind of a level. Not that it bothers me. The problem was, way back when in the 1980s, when men were men and desktop computers were only as good as the three digits people used to describe them, Innerspace failed to deliver on the box office front.

So, Innerspace ends up being one of those weird genre comedies that never got anywhere despite being awesome. I mean, ridiculously awesome. It’s ostensibly a sci-fi/horror/comedy hybrid that in theory would be a bit nerd-centric, but a lot of people like the film. My dad introduced me to this movie. It’s difficult to find people who’ll watch the movie and refuse to like it. Even when it goes completely off the deep end, it’s still funny.

The Cowboy

Joe Dante took a comedy and inserted all these weird little horror riffs too. Creepy bad guys later in the movie that are too ridiculous to be taken seriously and gory special effects that don’t come off as too sickening because they’re inside the body of Martin Short’s character, whose behaviour doesn’t give you any time to stop and think “hey, that was gross.” It helps that the special effects are really, really cool, and the film won an Academy Award in the category. It’s well deserved, and watching the movie made me wish for a time when creative people were allowed to just go nuts with their ideas instead of being encouraged to think of all the cool things we can do with computer effects.

I'm pretty sure this movie was a lot of fun to work on.

I really like Innerspace because of what it does with all these different characteristics. It was made as a popular film but it’s got weird independent quirks that make it a much better film than it would have been otherwise. The film does things that films arguably shouldn’t do, and it’s a better piece of work as a result. The whole thing hangs together as something that somebody cared about, and worked to make an actual piece of work that stood on its own. Then it flopped in the box office. In a world where Transformers 2 made a fortune.

So, fight the good fight. Watch Innerspace. Just watch it.

Posted in Signs of life in the cultural wasteland | 1 Comment

Eclipse: Too awesome for my mind to take

By john | March 11, 2010

Ahh, the joy of watching an unintentionally bad movie. I’ve never been that big into it. I’m just bored by supposed bad movie classics like Plan 9 from Outer Space, and I’m a little put off by people who broadcast how much they like being “ironic.” Whatever that means. Hipsters watching soccer, I think.

I like watching Jean Claude Van Damme movies, but that’s mostly a whole “I remember thinking these movies were the height of human artistic endeavour” kind of thing.

Caption: Wesley Snipes: The thinking man’s action hero of the early 1990s.

Then the Twilight movies came along. I mean, holy crap. I recently had some friends over for a watch party that ROCKED thanks to the best drinking game I’ve ever played and the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I mean, I could spend some time writing about all the reasons I love the Twilight series, but really, just watch one of those films. There are so many strands of story that don’t make sense on their own that weave into an overarching narrative that makes so little sense and contradicts itself so often that your brain has no choice but to enter a kind of existentialist zen enclosure where all you can do is laugh your ass off. I was physically sore watching New Moon in the cinema and even cracked off a Brendan Frasier type clap and point at one stage.

Today, the trailer for Eclipse came out. The third film in the series, Eclipse promises to continue bringing the crazy to new and exciting levels. More Dakota Fanning! More of that redhead from the first movie who’s supposedly terrifying despite the fact the story’s protagonist is protected by numerous vampires and a werewolf that probably listens to too much metal in a dark room on his own! I haven’t read the books so I’m not sure what’s coming but I really want more Michael Sheen.

Caption: I guess this bumps his werewolf work onto the same page of his resume as The Queen.

I am happy. I’m a little alarmed that literally millions of people are missing the joke and think this stuff is really good, but hey, to each his or her own. I don’t demand that everyone understand my obsession with Columbo. But these movies… Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.

video

“Until your heart stops beating.” We are living in the cultural apocalypse. Enjoy every minute.

Ahh, the joy of watching an unintentionally bad movie. I’ve never been that big into it. I’m just bored by supposed bad movie classics like Plan 9 from Outer Space, and I’m a little put off by people who broadcast how much they like being “ironic.” Whatever that means. Hipsters watching soccer, I think.

I like watching Jean Claude Van Damme movies, but that’s mostly a whole “I remember thinking these movies were the height of human artistic endeavour” kind of thing.

Wesley Snipes: The thinking man’s action hero of the early 1990s.

Then the Twilight movies came along. I mean, holy crap. I recently had some friends over for a watch party that ROCKED thanks to the best drinking game I’ve ever played and the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I mean, I could spend some time writing about all the reasons I love the Twilight series, but really, just watch one of those films. There are so many strands of story that don’t make sense on their own that weave into an overarching narrative that makes so little sense and contradicts itself so often that your brain has no choice but to enter a kind of existentialist zen enclosure where all you can do is laugh your ass off. I was physically sore watching New Moon in the cinema and even cracked off a Brendan Frasier type clap and point at one stage.

Today, the trailer for Eclipse came out. The third film in the series, Eclipse promises to continue bringing the crazy to new and exciting levels. More Dakota Fanning! More of that redhead from the first movie who’s supposedly terrifying despite the fact the story’s protagonist is protected by numerous vampires and a werewolf that probably listens to too much metal in a dark room on his own! I haven’t read the books so I’m not sure what’s coming but I really want more Michael Sheen.

I guess this bumps his werewolf work onto the same page of his resume as The Queen.

I am happy. I’m a little alarmed that literally millions of people are missing the joke and think this stuff is really good, but hey, to each his or her own. I don’t demand that everyone understand my obsession with Columbo. But these movies… Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. We are living in the cultural apocalypse. Enjoy every minute.

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | 2 Comments

Terminators and fancy tricks

By john | March 10, 2010

I really hated Terminator: Salvation. There. That’s out of the way.

It was awful for many, many reasons, chief among them McG’s utter lack of talent and/or respect for the first three movies. Yes, yes, the third movie wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it made an effort and fit into the overall fiction properly. Salvation ignored the first three movies, introduced sixty foot tall bipedal “harvester” machines, made Skynet really stupid and kind of insecure, and was boring.

I’m John Connor, I hate all machines and don’t believe they can offer emotional connections... wait, what?

I’m John Connor, I hate all machines and don’t believe they can form emotional connections with humans... wait, what?

Thing is, and this is why I’m dredging up these painful memories, Salvation is really more of a symptom of the overall malaise that’s going on in movieland. The suits running the show are willing to hand a proven money maker with actual cultural relevance over to a man with a proven track record of nothing but bad films and a handful of bad music videos. The obsession with 3D is starting to bypass the whole issue of a movie actually being good.

James Cameron, who kicked ass with the first two Terminator movies, is currently one of the worst offenders. He’s on the record supporting things like just fabricating natural phenomena like sunsets rather than waiting for the right shot. Now, the immediate result might be great, but doesn’t something go missing?

Linda Hamilton’s twin sister was called in for some special effects shots on T2. The lengths the crew of The Terminator had to go to just to get Arnie’s laser sight to work right on camera is amazing. Yes, I’m sure it sucked, I’m sure it was hard work, and I’m sure it was stressful. But in some instances, surely that’s where the best work comes from? Maybe CGI makes it too easy.

Not to mention the fact that CGI gets dated. Even the stuff we’re watching today. Go back and watch the first Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movie. You won’t be as impressed as you were in 2001. That’s natural. It’s technology; but James Cameron thinks we’ve perfected it.

How could we possibly be a racist analogy? We’re BLUE.

Massive arrogance aside, Avatar was just not a good movie. There’s a lot to be said for using the same heroic template to tell a story, and human societies will do that forever, but there’s still an art involved in telling the same old story well. Avatar fails in that regard. The vast majority of people I’ve met who liked the movie immediately refer to the visuals, and very few defend the story or the acting (except for Sigourney Weaver: she was awesome in that movie, a one woman show surrounded by garbage). So, in a couple of years, when the visuals are still cool but not as cool as the live action blockbuster Up 3: Return to Peru, the idea that Avatar was ever Star Wars for a new generation will seem laughable.

I don’t care how bad this movie gets, I WILL continue to be awesome

In fact, Avatar has a lot more in common with the Star Wars prequels than with the originals. An obsession with technology and an unfettered ego got in the way of making a decent story. That’s it.

So, wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were more stuntmen? More controlled explosions? More workarounds, more tricks? CGI and other computer technologies can be used to do some pretty cool and subtle stuff. I’ll take District 9 over Avatar every single time.

Posted in Truly Apocalyptic | 4 Comments

Hibernation is over

By john | March 8, 2010

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I took an extended break from blogging for a while. It started out as a break for Christmas, then I was busy, then I ran out of excuses and went on hiatus. Finally, as I sat down today to write anew, it dawned on me that a hiatus is perhaps a rather snooty way of putting it, considering I mostly write about video games and movie trailers that annoy me. So, in the spirit of winter (which in Texas is unconscionably lasting more than the usual six weeks) I dub my extended leave a spell of hibernation.

During this time I ate as much fantastic chocolate and goodies as possible to create an insulating layer against the cold, watched TV, worked a lot, and played video games. I made a few discoveries.

I really like Biffy Clryo. Like, really. I like Biffy Clyro so much I gave serious consideration to driving for sixteen hours to see them play. I’ve liked this band for years, but their recent album is so ridiculously far ahead of everything else I hear these days that I’ve completely gone nuts over these guys.

I didn’t mind Inglourious Basterds as much as I thought I would. I’ve gone off Tarantino in the last few years, and while I thought Basterds was just as self-indulgent and lazy as most of the stuff he’s done recently, I enjoyed watching it for the most part. The end was silly and Tarantino needs to get over himself when it comes to dialogue, but it was good. Although Brad Pitt needs a dose of humility, stat. But it WAS good. Well, it wasn’t bad.

Microsoft are coming back! This is utterly terrifying. Apple have decided to embrace their new role as an evil empire that opposes open source development and starts fights with everyone else. Steve Jobs wants us to believe Google suck. Well, I doubt they sit around throwing rose petals at each other while discussing a utopian vision of the future that combines socialism and world peace, but they’re not as bad as the Cupertino crowd these days. Microsoft, meanwhile, have unveiled a new phone OS that might actually be cool. The Zune HD already IS cool. Windows 7 is… less broken than usual! Vista doesn’t count by the way; if Vista comes into it Windows 7 starts to look like the Second Coming. It seems that Microsoft might just be emerging from the cycle of hubris and defeat that Apple is still exploring. Strange days.

Video games are still awesome, and I am becoming poor. This, combined with my work life getting even more hectic, has resulted in a serious slowdown in the games I play. Which is a pity. Despite this, I encourage everyone to play Borderlands. It’s fun.

So, I’m back! Time to yawn the most wonderful post-hibernation yawn and get back to work. It’s nice to be back, blogland.

Posted in Busy, Signs of life in the cultural wasteland | 2 Comments

Scary treats for Christmas

By john | December 26, 2009

Hello Internet!! I’ve been offline so much since I flew home for the holidays it seems like I barely know you anymore!

I’ll be back. Until then, Happy Christmas to all. Have a happy New Year while you’re at it; 2010 will hopefully be a good one for all of us.

I’ve emerged from the non-Internet wasteland of eating constantly and spending time with people who don’t like games to post a link for those who like themselves some scary movies. A good friend of mine has posted the top FIFTY horror movies of the decade currently ending on her blog, and I think you should all check it out.

Enjoy some scary movies and eat lots of leftovers, I’ll be blogging in the New Year!

Posted in Signs of life in the cultural wasteland, World Traveller | 2 Comments

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